Don't Stop Me
by bb.pezberry
Summary: Santana Lopez can only hide her feelings for so long. An observant Rachel Berry takes advantage of an unexpected midnight stroll. Endgame Pezberry. Also, Brittana and Faberry friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Stop Me**

**Chapter 1: Alone**

Valentine's Day doesn't end as badly as she thought it would.

Santana stares at her plate as the patrons of Breadstix slowly begin to call it a night. It's late on Valentine's Day and New Directions just spent the night together. Of course, this is without the addition of the sick duo Finn and Quinn - whom the group did their best not to mention throughout the entirety of the night. After the Warbler's lovely rendition of Paul McCartney's classic, the Glee club took turns singing duets, solos or even mini group numbers. It's rare to hang out outside of the choir room but moments shared like these were always considered golden.

The Latina girl would deny it if you asked her up front but she enjoyed it. Everything about Glee club was liberating and every moment she shared in that choir room was one of the highlights of her life. As she had previously mentioned, it's the best part of her day.

Performing is a chance to get lost in the music, to show off her fantastic vocals and shake everything her mama gave her. It's a chance to forget about her current troubles, the stupid drama, her pathetic sexuality crisis, and her usually burning libido. Although sometimes it didn't help for that last point seeing as Santana is almost always absolutely turned on by a killer performance. She won't dwell on that thought for more than a couple of seconds though.

The Warblers are clearing out of Breadstix as Kurt says good bye to his two best friends. Santana watches carefully from her own table which is conveniently placed next to theirs. Her eyes flutter back and forth from her empty plate to the folks next to her. It wouldn't really be cool to get caught staring, now would it?

It's funny considering how Rachel and Kurt were enemies at the beginning; how Rachel and Mercedes were also rivals from the beginning and yet now they were the closest of friends. It must be nice – to settle differences and bask in the similarities. Santana sometimes wishes that she could have that kind of relationship, but at the same time she couldn't give a fuck.

She wouldn't dare to give a fuck. There was no way she could afford that.

"Bye Santana," Kurt says as well, offering the ex-cheerio a more or less than awkward hug.

Sure, Santana was there because she had nothing better to do, but Kurt was still a friend. It sometimes surprised her how he wouldn't think unkindly of her. She's been nothing but a bitch to him granted that she's a bitch to everyone.

Sometimes she would pick on him more than anyone else – why? She was jealous.

How can anyone be so fucking proud of being gay? It made absolutely no sense to her. He got ridiculed to the point that he had to move schools. Why would you be so proud of something that almost no one approved of? Their little town had too many narrow minded people for anyone to even consider being a little different. Look at Berry, she's not even gay – just plain different and didn't care.

Look at everyone in Glee club. It was a curse and a blessing all at once.

"Bye Kurtsie," she replies with a smirk, twinkling her fingers. She wouldn't say it out loud, like most of her thoughts, but she was going to miss him.

"Well I think I'll be heading home too," Mercedes mentions as she stands up from her place.

"Yeah, we'll get going too," Tina and Mike, otherwise known as Asian Fusion say. The Latina scoffs as they kiss, wondering why Mercedes and Rachel or anyone would 'aww' at that. Public displays of affection? Gross.

"Later Rach, bye Satan," and with that the proud Diva marches out of the restaurant.

"Bye you guys!" Tina repeats afterwards, Mike Chang offering a small nod. The boy had so much potential, Santana thought – if only he wasn't so shy. She even remembers a distant time when Brittany had a crush on the asian boy.

As they left, Santana contemplates a decision of whether she should leave yet or not. She turns to the table behind her to check if Sam was still there. As a part of her revenge she planned on convincing him to go out with her instead of Quinn which would be easy since the girl practically ran herself over by cheating with that big lug. It was moments like that where Santana would gain respect for Quinn since she had the guts to do such a thing but at the same time she was disappointed because Quinn was one of the only people she thought wouldn't be stuck fooling around like everyone else was.

It was really tiring.

Unfortunately, lady lips is gone.

"Damn, did he slip out?" she mutters to herself, returning her gaze back to her plate.

She wants to look at Brittany, hoping that she was there but at the same time she didn't. Jealousy wasn't a good feeling and loving feelings in general just didn't suit her. Every time she looks at the blonde there were nauseous feelings that she'd rather not get caught up in. Her eyes don't have to look for the couple walk by her instead, Brittany giving a wave to her best friend and Artie a nod.

"Night, San! Happy Valentine's Day, I love you!" she blows a kiss and wheels her boyfriend out of there.

"Love you too, B...ugh, fuck that," Santana whispers the second the couple step out. Moments like the ones they just had fill the Latina with nothing but regret. Stupid, ridiculous gay panic...not that she was gay anyhow. That night just did something to their relationship that cannot be undone. At least, Santana couldn't do anything. She wouldn't do anything. She just can't.

"Did you say something, Santana?"

Oh yeah, Berry was still around.

"Nothing, Berry. You're just hearing things," the bitterness in her tone is harsher than she expects. She would apologize but Santana fucking Lopez does not do apologies. And it's not like Rachel didn't expect anything less.

It's Puck and Lauren's turn to leave now.

"Come on babe, just a little squeeze?"

Santana rolls her eyes; what the hell does he see in that Lauren chick? Sure, she was badass, not any more badass than Santana was of course but badass enough for Puck. But what else was there? She had absolutely no sex appeal and she spent most of her time wrestling with guys. How is that appealing at all? How could he abandon her for that?

Their romantic relationship never really exists though, or existed to be honest. However the thought of being completely alone always haunted Santana no matter how real her loneliness was. The two of them were fuck buddies – warm bodies used only for relieving sexual desire.

Sometimes they were friends – they've known each other for so long after all. But things were just too complicated right now. Santana was obviously suffering from something and Puck just didn't know what to do. He figures she's a tough girl anyway, right? He figures she'll be fine while he goes off and does his own thing. He won't admit he's running away. He never will because hey, he's a teenage boy and he'd rather just spring forward.

Their relationship was never so firm after all. Nonexistent but existent.

"Later S," Puck says as he and the white rhino leave the restaurant together.

Her favourite restaurant just doesn't seem as epic as it usually does when she's just sitting there.

"Santana?" Oh yeah, Berry was still around.

"What do you want, Berry?" she retorts, crossing her arms and turning to the petite girl.

"I-I was just going to inquire as to when you will be leaving."

Santana rolls her eyes, "I'll leave when I wants to leave, what's it to you?"

There is obviously a bit of fear in Rachel's eyes. Even though the two just sang a duet together openly about an hour ago didn't mean that she and Santana had instantly become friends or anything remotely close to friendly. The ex-cheerio doesn't call anyone a friend that easily, especially not the person she used to call Tubbers, Man Hands and RuPaul.

"Oh, well, I was just wondering..."

Why was she even talking to her? Last resort, right? That was the usual case, after all.

"Just spit it out, Berry."

"My dads are not home currently and I...I am admittedly too afraid to walk home on my own."

Oh God, how old was she? Santana recalls walking home during the late points of night since she was 10 year old – no, even earlier than that. What is there to be afraid of? The darkness is a wonderful place.

"You have got to be kidding me," she groans. Why was she even considering it? That look Rachel was giving her obviously had no effect. But...she _is _bored. It's 1AM and she doesn't feel like sleeping at all. Seeing Rachel Barbra Berry, loud mouth, full of it Diva who thought she was the next Barbra Streisand absolutely shaken to simply walk home alone was a fully entertaining thought. This would be potentially worth it in the end.

"Please, Santana? Despite the fact that I do carry pepper spray, a rape whistle and a cell phone I cannot possibly feel safe going out at such a late time alone. You must understand, Santana! I need –"

"What's in it for me?" there's no harm in trying to get something out of it in return, right?

"Oh, I guess I should pay you for your services as my temporary bodyguard. Let me think, perhaps I can tempt you with another dinner at Breadstix? From what I observed during our duets competition you have a sort of strong affinity for those stale pieces of bread."

"Don't insult the sticks, okay?"

"I apologize."

And Santana isn't sure what spirit is possessing her but, "I'll accept that offer."


	2. Chapter 2

**Don't Stop Me**

**Chapter 2: Please**

The air is always so refreshing at this time of day or well night, even in the middle of February. Santana's wearing her winter coat and her hair is as free as it can be. Despite missing the security of her Cheerios uniform, it felt good to be out and about in street clothes again.

It's been 5 minutes since the two left Breadstix and it's been surprisingly silent the entire time and Santana felt no need to complain. Being alone but not alone was something she was always rather fond of.

"Are you alright, Santana?" but she just has to ruin the silence.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be, Berry?" she scoffs, glancing over to Rachel for a second before returning her gaze to the cold pavement. It just seems so much more interesting than anything else at the moment.

"It's just...you've seemed so lonesome lately and I feel that -"

"Look, Berry. I know you've been alone your whole life and shit because face it, not many people like you but it doesn't mean you actually know everything there is about loneliness. If you think you can help me, think again because you fucking can't."

Her answer's blunt and she hopes that Rachel gets the point. Maybe her answer would cue silence for the rest of the trip. Of course it's a lot to ask for considering who was on the other end of the deal but Santana's hopeful anyway.

It works for approximately 5 minutes.

"It is okay if you are, you know? Everyone can see that you're tough and you always act like you are but you are human too."

At least someone besides Brittany and maybe Quinn realize that. Why does she even care? Santana would like to know, after all, isn't this the same Rachel Berry that chewed her out earlier that week?

"I don't need your pity party, Treasure Trail." Pulling out the nicknames – it's been a while but maybe it's been too long of a while. It's a fantastic defense mechanism, so why not?

The silence begins again for another 5 minutes. Santana looks straight ahead and Rachel just glances back and forth, a little too intimidated to continue her questions.

"We are almost at our destination."

"What are you? A GPS? Why can't you just talk normally, Man Hands?"

"I simply think that it is ridiculous how teens our age speak at most times. What happened to our beautiful language that Shakespeare once mastered?"

"I simply think it's ridiculous," Santana does a mean Rachel Berry impression, "That you take an hour to finish a fucking sentence. I don't know if you've noticed but our generation has an attention span of about 2 minutes, Berry."

_Seriously,_ the Latina thinks, _She needs to stop trying so fucking hard to be different. It totally doesn't make her any bit more special or deserving or more attention. No one gives a flying rat's ass._

"Thank you."

Wait, what?

"What? You going to take my advice?" Frankly she's surprised but who's complaining?

"No, for calling me by my name." Oh, she didn't catch that.

Another moment of silence and Santana takes a moment to properly look at Rachel. In this instant she notices a few tears in the girl's eyes. Her instincts want to ask about it, but everything else wants her to just ignore it.

"What? Man Hands and Treasure Trail not your thing?" she's surprised to find herself laughing a little at her own comment. She looks over to Rachel with a smile on her face, receiving a smile in return. "What?"

"You have a pretty smile, Santana. Did you know? It is a much better look than that scowl you tend to fashion when I see you in the hallways."

_The fuck?_

"If you're expecting a compliment in return, you won't be getting one. But yes, I do know that I'm hot stuff."

It's Rachel's turn to laugh this time. Santana doesn't recall ever hearing anything like it before. It's soft and a little vulnerable. And there may or may not have been a tingle in her stomach – maybe she ate too many bread sticks?

"I would not expect anything less, Santana," she replies softly, her smile almost contagious.

"Good," the Latina responds, refusing to put any labels this time.

The two start up a conversation for the rest of the walk, it's pleasant in its own way and rather casual. Mentions of school, Glee club and the weather are all mentioned.

"Do you miss it?" Rachel then asks, her voice lower than usual. She doesn't have the most confidence in her question but she wants to know.

"Miss what? The Cheerios uniform?" of course that was what she was talking about. That's what everyone wants to know. What else could it possibly be?

Rachel nods in response before looking at Santana carefully for her answer. She bites her bottom lip in anticipation, eyes reflecting the curiousity she felt.

"Yeah, I miss the security – I miss the status. Even though I was at the bottom of the pyramid," wait, why was she telling her that? Her mind shuts down before she spills out any more information. She was Santana fucking Lopez and refuses to ever seem vulnerable.

"The bottom? I was certain that you, Brittany and Quinn were all at the very top!" Santana can't read the expression in Rachel's eyes but she has a feeling it's something like concern. At least the tears were gone now.

"That doesn't matter anymore, just don't bring it up. I answered your question right? So back off," she didn't mean to be so defensive, well actually she did. Santana was never one for open conversation about stuff that really mattered, or stuff that was personal, or stuff that wasn't music or school or the weather.

"We're here," Rachel announces, stopping before a rather medium sized house. She walks quickly towards her front door before stopping to turn to the lovely Latina who brought her all the way there. Santana watches her, having to wait until she went inside before she knew that she was entirely safe. There's a thickness that begins to surround the smaller girl though as signs of hesitancy flicker in her eyes.

"What? Did you forget something at Breadstix? Just get it tomorrow or if it's important I can pick it up myself on my way home," but she doesn't respond, "Dwarf?"

"Would you like to come inside?"

Santana looks at her like she's joking and turns around, "I'll see you in Glee club, Midget."

She manages to walk for a few seconds, her hands shoved in her pocket. Santana wonders what that was all about - perhaps Berry doesn't like being in the house by herself? Seriously though, the girl has to grow up sometime. Not that Santana even cares.

But then there is a sudden warmth that's embracing her. It spread from her back to the tip of her nose and it was a sensation she hadn't felt in ages. Santana looks down and sees two small hands folded on her stomach and a very familiar jacket.

"Please?" a voice whispers to her, a voice that most likely belonged to Rachel Berry. "I don't want to be alone tonight."

And that same spirit that possessed Santana earlier that evening made its appearance again, "Sure."

xxxxx

Of course, if the person inviting her inside their house wasn't Rachel Berry, Santana would assume that this would lead to sex. But of course, that wasn't what she should worry about right now, what she was worrying about was where she got the idea that it was okay to spend her night in Rachel Berry's house. Rachel Berry, Rachel Berry, Rachel Berry...there are too many things wrong with the past 20 minutes of the life that she's just lived. There was too much Rachel Berry in it.

"You do know that there's school tomorrow, right?" Santana comments, scanning the house and finding nothing she didn't expect to find. The house has a real homey feel to it - like Rachel's comfy sweaters and the smell of fresh baked cookies she would make every once in a while for the Glee club.

"Yes, I do realize that much Santana and I am very well prepared for it," the smaller girl nods after saying this, leading the other girl upstairs into her bedroom.

"I was talking about me," she rolls her eyes, since when was she that stupid?

"Oh, I know. You can borrow some of my clothes and I will prepare a lunch for both of us."

"No fucking way, Berry! I am not wearing one of your hideous sweaters!" that and her chest probably wouldn't be able to be contained in anything else. But Rachel doesn't even flinch at this, not one hurt look or even a pout. "I'm going, it was stupid for me to come in the first place."

Small hands reach out to catch Santana's arms before she can turn around though and the Latina is way too close to the smaller Diva than she can ever claim to be comfortable with. Santana wants to say something, to retort and complain or to just yell but nothing will come out. Nothing wants to come out. She backs away slowly, her head eventually hitting the wall of the staircase. She was too close, way too close and though she would never admit that there is currently a rush of blood flowing to her face, she is still uncomfortable nonetheless. What the actual hell, was she going to kiss her?

And that's when Rachel falls limp into Santana's arms, leaving the other girl's eyes to grow wide in surprise.

"The hell?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Don't Stop Me**

**Chapter 3: Tossing and Turning**

If there was such a thing as a Time Machine, Santana would use it to go back in time and refuse Rachel's pleas and surprisingly tight grip. Actually, if it did exist, she would go even further back in time and probably fix something even more important. No, now was not the time to even think about that. But it was hard not to drift onto the subject provided that she was technically alone and had no one to talk to.

The Latina's completely drained at this point. She finds temporary comfort on Rachel's bed after placing the small girl gently on her side. She watches as she grabs her blankets out of reflex and curls into a ball. Santana doesn't feel like sleeping right now though, especially not in Berry's bed.

But not she's conflicted. Should she stay or should she go? Rachel didn't make any noise but her breathing was fine. Santana checks her forehead and for any twitching, but her body looks perfectly fine. Perhaps the girl was simply tired after such a long day? Santana's had more crazy times before so singing songs at Breadstix until 12AM isn't exactly the most exhausting thing. She can imagine though that Rachel doesn't party often if at all.

"Damn, dwarf," she whispers into the silence, watching as Rachel's chest moves up and down with her breathing. She seems calm in her sleep, unlike her normal high maintenance self and almost cute, not that she would ever admit it out loud.

Letting out a sigh, the Latina turns over to Rachel's alarm clock. In a bright red light, the time glared at Santana. It was 1:30AM by now.

Getting up, Santana decides to take the opportunity to take in more of this Rachel Berry essense that her room screamed out. There were playbills everywhere, a large pile of sheet music on the side, a large variety of stuffed animals, a lot of family photos and - hey.

"When was this taken?" the ex-cheerio whispers to herself, fingering the picture that was taped onto Rachel's vanity mirror. It was a picture from one of their Glee club meetings and everyone just looked so happy. Even herself. And then she notices that she's dancing with Brittany in the photo, looking completely smitten. Santana hopes she really isn't that obvious, but is relieved to find that Brittany is looking at her the same way.

Moving on from the pictures, Santana takes a moment to admire the colourful variety of accesories on Rachel's desk. She's happy that it's dark - the colours would probably blind her. Picking up a brush to examine it closely, the Latina shakes her head when her hypothesis proves to be correct.

"It's fucking bedazzled," she muses out loud, almost laughing. Almost everything on that god damned table top was covered in those little jewels. Perhaps Rachel has an obsession?

"Hnnn," a noise. The tanned girl turns automatically to face Rachel's bed, watching carefully to see if the girl is finally going to wake up.

"Hnnn Finn..." the smaller girl continues to mutter, "I don't...need you."

At that, Santana finds herself smiling. THat's fucking right, Berry, you don't need a man. Santana is pretty convinced that she's not the only one who noticed the change in Rachel's behaviour the second she started dating the big lug. She was far too attached to him and wasn't exactly the same Rachel Berry she's come to...hate? No, dislike? Maybe not. She shrugs to herself, she doesn't really know how she feels about the smaller girl.

Once the little Diva rolls over to the other side of the bed, Santana continues her investigation. Hopefully the little freak doesn't dust her personal belongings or else she would never hear the end of it.

After a fair amount of time, Santana comes to the conclusion that Rachel's bedroom is nothing like her own. Stuffed animals? Santana only had one stuffed animal that she's kept since her childhood and some of these toys looked fairly new. It almost reminds her of Brittany, this childish obsession with stuffed creatures. And this brightly coloured wall - pink of all colours. Santana's walls were void of any colour, but they were covered in pictures not covered up in frames. Various Cheerios competitions, outtings with Quinn back when they were close and of course her times with Puck and Brittany. You know, back when they had time for her. She closes her eyes to breathe for a second, clearing her thoughts of any of that.

Glancing back over to the New Directions photo, Santana wishes that she had one too. Like, it's only fair that she and like, everyone else got a photo too right? Rachel wasn't the only one who enjoyed Glee club after all.

Santana looks over to the clock again to see that it is 2AM now. She should probably head home, it looks like Rachel just fainted from exhaustion. She wants to have the strength to ask her about it tomorrow but at the same time she doesn't exactly want to remember this night...Not that she didn't have fun, or actually enjoy talking to Rachel it's just - it's too much to handle. When she gets home she'll just go to bed and wake up the next day, alone again. Santana knows that Rachel probably only latched onto her because she didn't want to be alone and frankly, she didn't want to put up with this temporary shit anymore. She didn't want to be left behind again just because someone better came along. Or well, just because she was still sorting her shit out and she pushed away anyone who wanted to get closer.

It's reflex. If she can't even understand or fully accept herself, then no one could and no one really will.

She shakes her head of the negative thoughts and wanders through the room towards the bedroom door. Rachel should be fine as long as she locked everything, it would be okay to borrow keys for a - wait a second.

Something catches Santana's attention as she walks towards the door. It's a diary - obviously Rachel Berry's. It's covered in glitter, felt and so many gold stars that if the light were on, Santana swears that she'd go blind.

And there's no lock.

Curiousity may have killed the cat but she was Santana Fucking Lopez and she was not a cat. Besides, Rachel would never know and she would only read like, a page, right? No harm, no foul if no one knew about it.

So she opens the book to any page and places a finger down to pick an entry. Surprisingly, there are little doodles everywhere. Santana chuckles silently to herself, she wasn't exactly an artist but the stars seemed almost perfect.

"This was a month ago," she mutters to herself before reading the entry.

As expected, Rachel writes the way she speaks. There were plenty of run-on sentences, exclamation marks and words that weren't exactly necessary. Santana reads on, her face falling, then smiling, then falling again. It must be so nice to be able to express your feelings to easily onto paper. Santana was never good at expressing all of her feelings so eloquently and could never properly keep a diary of her own. They normally ended up being torn apart or simply scribbled on, they were just a target of her ever burning anger with just everything.

A groan comes out from Rachel's mouth and Santana shuts the book immediately. She curses under her breath for she was about to get to a part about herself in the diary and although she doesn't care, she was curious of what Rachel really thought of her. After all, her thoughts on Schuester, Quinn and Finn were not exactly what she expected.

"Santana?" the small girl calls out from her bed. The Latina looks back quickly to see if everything was back in its proper order and sighs in relief to see that it's so. As she walks over to Rachel, she tries a small smile for the tired girl.

"I'll be heading home, Berry. Don't worry your head, there are no monsters or anything under your bed but there is something hideous in your closet." The Latina is thoroughly content with her comment, the ordeal reminding her very much of her blonde friend.

Rachel groans at the comment, but manages to smile nonetheless, "Your sarcastic comment aside, thank you very much for staying so long. I apologize for being such a bother - I get so weak when I am out for too long and I feared that this would happen."

Santana just nods, yeah that explains things, "Don't mention it, seriously just don't. Now go back to bed."

"Thank you, Santana, really and truly I am surprised that you're still here."

The other girl is standing now and by Rachel's bedroom door, "I'll see you tomorrow, Dwarf." Santana just doesn't feel like getting too involved by actually being touched by Rachel's words. She knows everything will go back to the way things were when she gets to school tomorrow. She knows that she'll just bottle up tonight's events like she does with everything.

She hopes that tonight didn't make a difference and shuts the door before running out of the house and back towards her own house. Santana's not sure why she ran home. She's not sure why she hid her face from Rachel the entire time.

All she knows is that now she's safe in a place where she's familiar and comfortable and that nothing could hurt her there.

**_A/N: I planned out most of the story the other day! I'd just like to say that I want to make this relationship to develop as realistic as possible so it might take a while to get to where you guys want this to be. I hope you can be patient and enjoy the ride! R&R as always!_**

**EDIT: Just looked these over again! I lost the napkins where I wrote out the entire plot so...so I'm going to have to redo that.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Don't Stop Me**

**Chapter 4: Loneliness**

_**A/N: Sorry for the long break inbetween guys...I finished high school though! Hopefully updates will become normal. Enjoy and thanks for your patience!**_

As Santana drives to school, she continues the thought process that began the second she got home the previous night. Was Rachel Berry really that scared of the night time? Does the girl really faint when she gets exhausted? Honestly, this was Rachel Berry we're talking about! Santana would bet that even if you got the girl drunk, the next day she would still be able to get up at a ridiculous time just to have a proper breakfast or something like that. From all that she's seen in her period of knowing the girl, Rachel Berry had unbelievable strength. And since she has shown an interest in tackling Broadway, for sure she must have unbelievable stamina or at least the potential for one.

Then again, these are all based off assumptions. Who really knew Rachel Berry? Who really knew anyone in this town?

But why was she even thinking about this in the first place? Why are her thoughts being occupied by someone so...someone who wasn't –

"Brittany, hey," Santana manages to say with a smile after breaking through her bothersome thoughts. The tall blonde smiles back at her before pulling her into a warm embrace.

The feeling is comforting and very much welcome. Santana leans her body closer into Brittany's and the blonde accepts the response happily. There are silent exchanges of feelings, of words, of everything Santana misses, everything Santana wants and everything that breaks her every night when once again, Brittany can't sleep over. The air is intense, so intense, so moving that the Latina could probably cry at any second.

The 10 second hug that feels like an eternity is over and Santana gives Brittany her daily vulnerable look. Brittany catches it and gives her the usual apologetic smile in return. It's all she can do, it's all they can do and they're just stuck in that position. It's the memory that Santana plays over and over again and imagines the further possibilities of if she just -

An almost deafening sound touches her ears as Wheels rolls by. She refuses to make eye contact with him and says her goodbye to Brittany. Soon Artie leaves and Brittany's gone too.

"Another fucking day," Santana mutters before walking to her first period. _Another long day_. Another day of just existing because living just can't happen anymore.

xxxxx

It's lunch time and as per usual, Santana makes her way to the roof top. It had been routine for as long as she could remember. The area was always her favourite place to have lunch. The cafeteria was a ridiculous place to eat, far too loud and way too many stupid people were there, sometimes she'd go to the park with Brittany and Quinn and they'd feed the ducks or sing something, sometimes Puck would invite her into his truck and they would drive off to Breadstix or maybe to his house for some video games, and on those not so rare occasions she'd run away, run home with Brittany and –

Brittany used to always eat with her on the roof. It was one of their secret places and Santana would bark at any freshman who thought it was a good idea to eat there. Sometimes even Quinn would join them. It was moments like that that reassured Santana that the three of them were more than just an Unholy Trinity in the school, but a trio of best friends who have had a bond since pre-school. It used to be nice thinking about the old days but nowadays it was too much. Every trip down memory lane piled on weight onto her shoulders.

Lately she had been feeling numb about everything. Life seemed not only weary but pointless ever since Brittany became a much smaller part of it. Santana was used to being alone and there was nothing wrong with being lonely every once in a while but loneliness becomes a beast when one spends too much time with her.

When Santana finishes her lunch, she rotates her songs to the usual, lunch time playlist. The playlist is a compilation of songs that distract her enough for the rest of the half hour that was lunch time. Today feels like a lying down and staring at the clouds day.

Unfortunately, after two songs, the distraction starts to wear out. Thoughts of the night before come creeping by like they have been all day and the Latina becomes frustrated. The feeling of being needed again, of being wanted, of being someone worth something had been long gone before last night. It was refreshing and nearly life giving to Santana. Thinking about it like this, she's almost tempted to go back to Rachel and use her as a means to receive those feelings again.

No, she doesn't deserve being used. No one deserves being used and Santana has stepped way too far into Rachel's personal life to not care about her feelings.

"I need to go somewhere else," she mutters to herself, turning off the ipod and rushing into the building.

She thinks on her feet - where can she possibly go? There are probably no open classes and – oh, there is one place she was always curious about visiting during lunch.

And she really does feel like singing.

One thing she learned and kept dear from Glee club was the fact that singing about it really does work. No matter how much she would make fun of it or roll her eyes at some of the ridiculous drama that comes from it - she agreed that it helps.

When Santana approaches the door to the choir room, she isn't surprised to hear the piano. Brad was probably in there practicing for Glee club later. She bets that Schuester works the poor guy to the bone. She knows he won't mind her being there. He may not always look pleased about being at Glee club but he seems to be indifferent about the kids in general.

"Sup Brad?" she yells out as she scans the empty choir room for his bearded face. Strangely yet not so strangely enough, her eyes meet with a not so bearded face.

The girl at the piano doesn't notice her walking in though as she continues to play passionately. The song sounds a little familiar but Santana just can't put her finger on it. The Latina approaches the little musician and places her bag on the ground, catching the attention of the piano player.

"Oh! Santana, I did not hear you come in," Rachel nearly yells in surprise, pressing down on the wrong chord as well. Her eyes change from surprised to concern when the other girl doesn't respond right away. "Santana?"

"What?" the Latina responds, raising her eye brow, "You know, just because I don't respond right away doesn't mean I didn't hear you." Deep inside Santana feels awkward. Switching from a rather close encounter the other night to something like this didn't exactly feel right.

Rachel simply nods in return, stepping away from the piano.

"What are you doing here?" they both ask in unison. Santana's question has a rather obvious answer, but she can't help but ask any how.

Of course, Rachel answers anyway.

"I am simply enjoying the empty choir room, singing and performing by myself without any judgement."

"I thought you liked having an audience?" Santana manages to slip in before Rachel continues. She finds it's the best way to avoid her little tangents or gateways to pointless information. If she can always interrupt Rachel like this then perhaps they can become something sort of like friends. Not that Santana's been thinking about anything close to that. Not that Santana would even allow herself of such a possibility.

The smaller girl laughs lightly in return, crossing her arms, "Yes, admittedly I do need applause to live but that was something I'm not ready to perform in front of an audience. Although it may seem like I have an ample supply of courage and confidence, when it comes to certain things I cannot exactly say that I can - "

"Just spit it out," Santana interrupts. Her voice sounds aggravated but the smile on her face says that she's amused.

"That was an original song, a lullaby, actually," Rachel responds in a very soft voice.

"Oh," that's what it was. Santana closes her eyes to bring back the tune from earlier. The reason why it was so familar though - what was it?

"Yes, I've been working on it for a long time actually. I keep changing my mind about key and sometimes I add lines or I take them away. Oh well, you will understand one day when you begin writing songs, Santana."

Who says she hasn't already started? Oh, the things she does for Brittany. She is so totally gay.

In that moment Santana stops herself from revealing something personal as her head shifts to an awkward mode. No, she can't be sucked into this again. She could be easily replaced by anyone in Rachel's life. Finn again, probably, or maybe even Quinn. And Santana refuses to get caught in that cycle again. The cycle of affection then rejection because she's not good enough. Why is she never good enough?

"I'm gonna go," Santana finally manages to say after a few moments of Rachel staring at her for a response. She probably should just ignore Rachel for the next couple of days so she isn't tempted despite how badly she wants it. How badly she wants her friendship, companionship, whatever she can give her so long as it removes her from the grip of loneliness.

She picks up her bag and starts walking away, refusing to look back at Rachel's confused face and refusing to apologize. She can feel Rachel's gaze on her and she rolls her eyes. She better not go after her and put her arms around her waist again. She would probably cave in again.

"Santana, wait, why are you leaving?" Rachel calls out, not moving from her spot. After being forceful the night before, she knows she needs to step back a little so not to anger Santana. It still made her curious as to why the taller girl didn't just say no the other day or why she bothered to stay longer after she fell asleep the first time. It made her think that maybe she could have a connection with Santana and that maybe she can help her with the problem that Rachel's been meaning to try to solve since it become obvious to her those few days ago. "Santana!" she yells out again hoping for at least an insult or a 'leave me alone!' to be thrown back at her.

Santana doesn't respond however and finds relief when she sees the doorway right in front of her.

Running away again. No risk taking. No listening to her heart because she doesn't want to get hurt. No possibility of changing this harsh cycle of being alone then not wanting to be alone but staying alone because sharing a bond with someone then breaking it just isn't something she can do anymore.

Just another fucking day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Don't Stop Me**

**Chapter 5: Wanderer**

_**A/N: I hope this update is quick enough for you haha. And shh, the napkins story is embarrassing.**_

There are 5 minutes remaining in the lunch period and Santana is already out the door and not even thinking about going back in. She doesn't even know why she's the one running away when she could have easily forced Rachel out of the choir room or at least scared her out of it.

However thinking it over again, from the strength that Rachel has displayed over the years it may not have exactly worked in her favour if she tried the other option of forcing the girl out of the room. Now more than ever, Santana feels like an incredibly weak person emotionally and mentally. She doesn't even really feel like putting in an effort.

And thus, hooky.

It's nothing new really, skipping school. On days when she needed to blow off steam the girl would run off. Her marks are still decent and honestly, why did she even bother going to Spanish class? It may be her junior year but the academic part wasn't a problem, it was never a problem. Drama – all this drama shouldn't even be a problem either. Everything was set up the moment she met Brittany, the moment she fell in love with her future best friend, the moment she looked into her eyes and realized that there was nothing more, nothing else that could calm down her soul or cool her burning heart.

But she screwed up.

The night just keeps running through her head, the images of Brittany and Artie, her reflection's expression the first time she realized that she hurt Brittany's feelings and wasn't even able to admit it to herself.

And yet, overshadowing this important note of hurting her best friend is the grip of her fear of being gay. She can't be gay, she won't be gay, gay just won't cut it in this town. But something she has to constantly force herself to admit is how much better it is to be with Brittany than with all of the guys she's had sex with put together. The feeling is much more intense, the attraction, the pleasure when it comes to women is not even comparable to men.

She's been with a total of two women and two men. Quinn was her first and a very painful memory. They were both drunk for the first time and Quinn had come onto her. If Santana ever dared to mention that night, Quinn would then refuse to speak to her for an entire month. The second, obviously is Brittany. The two guys include Finncompetent and Puckerman. A lot of people believe she's an easy catch but in all honesty, Santana's never really been with that many people.

But every person had their story and their mark on Santana. Her mistake with Quinn became a deep hole in their friendship, but at the same time, a possible topic in the future to discuss when Quinn was ready and sorted out. Ever since giving birth, the girl's mind is just all over the place, this made obvious by her return to the Cheerios despite saying how much she hated them. Even Santana had to admit that she adored the softer, more human side of Quinn exposed during pregnancy. She was furious the second it vanished and Quinn even had the nerve to tell Coach Sylvester about Santana's little secret. She thought they were friends. But many apologies later, Santana realized that Quinn's just fucked up.

She was fucked up too.

They couldn't depend on each other, not now while they are both unstable. And that's the main reason why Quinn's out of her life at the moment.

Brittany is a whole bunch of stories in one, but the most important note to get out of it all was that Santana knows that she's in love with the girl. It's one of the only things she's sure of and the only thought that could really keep her sane. It's one of the only things that were consistent and dependable in her life. Too bad it caused her pain because of her unwillingness to accept that it was one of the only truths, sure things in her life.

Sleeping with Finn was gross and she really wishes she could take the night back. Thinking it over, she wonders what Rachel wrote in her diary the day she found out about the night Santana stole her ex-boyfriend's virginity. Until this day Finn ignores her when she walks by him or gives him a look. No problem to her, really. She doesn't care much for him. The only thing she really cares about is how hypocritical of him to grab Quinn into his spider web of confused, man-child-like love.

She wonders what got into Quinn.

Then there's Puck. They both knew that their relationship never involved romantic type of love. They used each other for their sexual gratification and are admittedly - best friends. They were not only sometimes friends, but so much more than that. Santana's already gone through the reason why he's not around anymore. If she were honest to herself, she'd say that she misses him and their gaming nights together or even their stupid drinking games. He was one of the only people she could completely be loose with because if they ended up in bed together, it was nothing new and there would never ever be any emotional attachment to the sex. Just comfort – a warm body.

And they were all she had. Now...now they were too occupied for her, now she's just second best and only wanted if their first choice wasn't there. Quinn and herself, Brittany and Artie, and Puckerman and Zizes.

Honestly it sucks being second best. She misses being needed, being wanted, being chased after! And by someone that mattered, someone that meant something to her. Not just some stupid jock who wanted a piece of her ass. Not just some Cheerio who felt sorry for her.

Glee club kids are too scared of her. It would totally suck if she admit that it hurt her feelings how often they would flinch at the opportunity of spending time with her alone. And she can't help being mean – it was in her blood. Quinn put up with it because she was an equal bitch, Brittany always saw through her vicious words and Puck always just shrugged it off or squared off with her. No one understood her the way they did, no one could keep up with her and no one knew how much she actually liked them.

She admitted it once and only once – Glee club was her favourite part of the day. And that's not only because of the music and dancing and Quinn, Brittany and Puck, but for all of them. They may be losers and sometimes annoying and sometimes she felt like murdering them or whatever, but they were her losers, her family, her friends.

But no, she could never admit that again.

Finally snapping out of her deep thought, Santana looks around her to see that she managed to reach the park. She's only been walking for 15 minutes, but it seems once again like an eternity. Conveniently she's standing before her favourite bench overlooking Brittany's favourite pond. Being February, the ducks were not exactly in season. However, the water looked serene enough to calm down the Latina.

Crouching over, the girl stares deep into the eyes of her reflection. She's crying.

Annoying how she doesn't even feel the tears anymore. For all she knows, someone could be around or even worse, someone she knows could be –

"Greetings, Santana."

"AH! FUCK!" she screams, falling onto her bottom. Santana doesn't recall feeling Berry's presence or even hearing her footsteps. Fucking ninja.

"A-Ah, I am sorry if my voice surprised you! I have been following you for quite some, no wait, allow me to rephrase myself," Santana just glares at her whilst rubbing her bottom, waiting for the shorter girl to finish explaining, "I simply wanted to apologize for earlier." She lets out a heaving sigh as if she had just run a marathon. Santana just stares curiously, wondering why she's even bothering.

"What for?"

"For kicking you out of the choir room, of course!" she smiles nervously, but it's warm.

Santana stares at her, wondering if maybe she was going crazy. She wipes her eyes, thankful that they were dry enough to hide any traces of crying. Unless, Rachel was ninja enough even notice that. Shaking her head, she starts walking away from Rachel.

"You're crazy, dwarf." Santana yells out without turning back. She'll get the message eventually. The nickname is simply a reminder of their relationship. There's absolutely no reason why Rachel shouldn't be angry with her or at least mad enough to not care. Santana's been nothing but awful to her all this time and nothing's changed that. She just wants Rachel to go away and leave her back in her hole of teenage angst.

Unfortunately, that's too much to ask.

"Santana, wait! Please, why do you keep running away from me?" Rachel jogs a little to catch up with Santana, but she simply increases her pace in response. To any onlookers, their pursuit looks rather childish. Santana can feel the steam building up in her and before she can stop herself she halts her power walk and turns to the short girl right behind her.

"STOP STALKING ME, YOU FREAK!" Santana doesn't even care for how Rachel reacts. If anything, that would make the girl stop following her. Rachel should be hating her for all the things that she's done since the beginning of the school year and the year before. Rachel shouldn't be concerned about Santana, she shouldn't be trying so hard to see what's wrong, to apologize for nothing.

"Santana," she hears a voice squeak. The Latina girl lets out a huff before turning to face Rachel one last time.

"Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be in class or something?" maybe just yelling won't work. Santana decides to play along, hopefully a conversation would rid her of Rachel's company.

"I have a spare at the moment. And actually, almost every day during this time I would sing to the children or with the children of the park. They're quite fond of singing and dancing and I do hope that they join the Glee club of their future high school," a bright smile. Rachel's eyes always sparkle when she speaks about Glee club and this catches Santana's attention. It's one of the very few things she likes about Rachel. Something she admires yet detests at the same time. Rachel's love of the things that everyone else hates. Rachel's appreciation and love of the unknown.

"That's great, later," perhaps after letting out some babble the girl would turn back.

Instead, Rachel also attempts a different approach. She follows closely behind Santana without a word. The Latina notices this and looks over her shoulder every once in a while to see if she's still there. Rachel simply smiles widely when she notices, her eyes inviting Santana's in for a moment.

"Don't you have to sing or some shit with the brats here?" she decides not to look back at Rachel anymore, assuming she won't be going away any time soon.

"I can do something different today, Santana," she walks a little faster, now walking next to the taller girl. Her determination doesn't dwindle at all, no matter how many times Santana rolls her eyes.

"Like bother the hell out of me?" she growls in response, fighting the feeling of excitement building up in her stomach. This is the pursuit she's wanted, but does Rachel mean anything to her? Would this really result in anything?

Rachel doesn't respond right away, thinking for a second first. She's feeling a little intimidated by Santana's behaviour, but when she starts something, she refuses to back down. "I wouldn't say that I am bothering you, exactly," she points a finger under her mouth, the corners curling a little.

Santana stops walking, causing the other girl to halt as well, "Then what do you call this?" Her arms spread out, pointing at herself then at all of Rachel before crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well, I believe our fellow teenagers would call this 'hanging out'," her air quotes are exaggerated, but it manages to make Santana's scowl go away. "I also believe that that's what friends do, correct?"

This makes Santana's flinch a little. Rachel doesn't catch it, distracted by a passing butterfly. The taller girl unclenches her fist, releasing some of her anger from earlier and truly allowing herself to calm down.

"Since when were we friends, Berry?" she asks, her voice flat.

"Well, Santana, you may not agree with me but the second you admitted to the group last year at Regionals that, and may I quote, 'Glee club is the best part of my day, okay?', you created a bond with me that I would like to call friendship."

And that's when Santana activates a switch in her mind. That's when Santana decides to take another risk. That's when Santana decides that maybe getting to know Rachel is what's best for her right now. That's when Santana's heart is released from the grip of loneliness for a moment.

"This is news to me," Santana finally says, laughing a little. Rachel's expression drops a little and the other girl rolls her eyes, "Sheesh, whatever, yeah, we're Glee mates or whatever. We can 'hang out'." She mocks Rachel's air quotes which receives a response of a light poke to her shoulder and a slight pout on the shorter girl's face.

The two walk through the park together, side by side. Rachel goes on and on about the many stories she has of the patrons that frequent the park. Santana simply nods and gives a little feedback. They ranged from, "cool story bro" to "you're kidding". Most would think that they were empty responses, but for Rachel they were a start. And for Santana? They were a fantastic start.

Thirty minutes pass by quickly and not a scowl to be seen on Santana's face. In fact, she looks rather content with her company and not one trace of bitchiness emanated from her body.

"Oh wow, Santana, it's almost time for our next period. I shall leave you to play hooky all by your lonesome now, if you don't mind. However, as another note I'd like to advice you not to do such a thing frequently. I'll be heading back now," she turns the other way, pointing in the direction of the school.

"Come on, Berry. It's one day, you can skip one_ fucking_ day!" Santana has to admit, she prefers Rachel's non-stop rambling to being alone and thinking about things that she'd rather not think about.

"Language, Santana!"

"Whatever, you're lame," she waves her hands as if shooing the shorter brunette away, "Go back to school you nerd."

Rachel starts walking, "Farewell, then," she manages to say. After a few steps, she turns back to see Santana still watching her. When their eyes connect, she smiles at Santana and is ecstatic when she receives a smile in return. Her plan to cheer up Santana must have worked! She continues to make her way back to the school and once again turns for a second. This time, Santana's back is all she can see.

"It's a start," she mutters to herself before wandering back to school with a sense of accomplishment.

Santana smacks her face, "Ugh, why did I smile back? She's going to cling onto me like crazy." Not that she wouldn't exactly mind to be honest. After spending some time with Rachel alone she doesn't seem like that much of a pain. The excitement in her voice no matter the subject of conversation reminds Santana so much of Brittany. The way she points out nature, the way she insists on smelling the flowers, the way she twirls sometimes while they walked gave Santana a nice feeling in the pit of her stomach. The feeling of having a close bond with someone - a feeling she missed.

"Friends, huh? Maybe one day we could be," she kicks a rock in her pathway into the pond that she's returned to, "And of all people, Rachel fucking Berry."


End file.
